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Ian West

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home of the brave.

We stand there, meekly, while the dumb waitresses huddled together are studiously ignoring us as we wait in line to order at the Harry Ramsden’s motorway services concession. And no, – we’re only customers and, blowing bubblegum, they’ve altogether bigger fish to fry – like who shagged who last night & did you know that J-Lo takes it in the back door ? And Carly’s getting a tattoo just above her arse next week, – a classy one, mind, in Chinese script that says “eat my clam”, except no-one but the guy at the Golden Orchid will be able to read it & even he wouldn’t stoop that low, although he is partial to a fish supper it’s said. Until giggling, they look across – too late – & now, as if re-enacting Custer’s last stand, emboldened, & with an admirable fearlessness, the massed majority overcome & close in for the kill and the uniformed concede defeat & split up to round up stragglers & dirty plates, give up their golden booty and utter those timeless words “d’yer want mushy peas wi that?”

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