325. there's the rub *

I’m getting paid to have a wank

in a plastic cup at the donor bank

as the sack was often emptied free

I’ve wasted more than the lottery


if I had a pound for each of those

I’d have a tenner

or somewhere close

and all those mags with crispy pages

against whose art the feminist rages

the airbrushed fannies & tits & bums

now interspersed with biscuit crumbs

and coffee stains – or often worse

it must be nice to be the first


a virgin page, a comely lass

a litho lovely – and what an ass !


and I feel so sorry for all you girlies

no female fumblings in the short & curlies

you won’t get paid for what you do

and “equality” won’t help you to

well, not round here at any rate

so stay at home & missturbate

and the next time that you’re feeling randy

remember it’s a free hand shandy.